This year more than ever has been one of great difficulty. I believe that since it is so close to the end of the year, it's time to reflect on what has happened in my life. Some of it is hard, other parts are difficult, but perhaps if even one person can relate to what I've been through, that will be enough.

The year started with me quitting my job as a teacher. I was miserable and I felt like if I would have stayed there that I would have gone crazy. The students were manipulative and the administration was absent. I felt as if I was lost. There was only one real savior in my life at that point and that was my roommate. She stuck with me through thick and thin, through the tears and the laughter and only with her support was I able to stand up for myself at that school and say that I would take no more. I put in my resignation and I became a substitute teacher.

It wasn't great, but it was something and a few weeks after I had put in my resignation, the school decided to shut down and I could not help but feel a sense of satisfaction knowing that I was not the only teacher that was on the brink of quitting. In fact, there were 3 other English teachers and 3 Art teachers that decided to move on from the school as well.

In February I became very very ill and I had to go to the doctor finding out that I had sinusitis (a sinus infection) feeling like hell, I was unable to go to the jobs that I had booked and wound up cancelling a lot of positions because I could barely get out of bed.

I'm not saying that all of the times were bad, on the contrary my roommate and I had a lot of great times as well, laughing and watching movies or just going out. One weekend she went with her father to the beach and I had the apartment to myself. On the day she returned she had such a great time that she wanted to take me to the beach as well. So I cancelled the job that I had for the next day and at 4:30 in the morning we left for the beach so we could watch the sun rise over the ocean. It was one of the best days we shared. She showed me all of the places that she went to with her father and we spent the entire day just walking along the beach and through the towns.

During this time I had decided to move back to Idaho, it was a hard decision, but it was one that needed to be made none the less. So my roommate and I made plans to get me back to Idaho and get her a new place to live. She wound up living with her former roommates in June. We spent a lot of time getting things for her new room and getting things arranged while we were packing.

By the time we were able to leave it was eleven o'clock at night. We headed out on the road, ready to get to her father's house and pick up a few last minute things, having crammed everything in my car that we possibly could. I had to leave several things over there, including my bag of shoes and my kitchen supplies. It was what we could do and we did what we had to. We spent the next seven hours on the road, we had already been up for twenty four hours and we were exhausted, finally making it to West Virginia in the early morning hours.

We spent the, well, morning and afternoon sleeping in our hotel room. After becoming very refreshed after a good ten hours of sleep we decided to head to the store, picking up a swimming suit for me and heading into the pool and the hot tub before hitting the road again. We drove through 8 different states in 28 hours, finally stopping in Rawlins Wyoming, exhausted and dead on our feet. It was a good thing we did drive so far because the next day we saw the news that there were tornadoes and hail in tornado alley that we just barely missed.

The next day we made it home with time to spare, my mother greeted us with champange and we were able to just kick our feet up and relaxed for a while. I showed my roommate around my town before we headed out to Oregon to meet up with my father who has been working there for about two years. We headed out to see the beautiful Oregon Coast, relaxing over there for the day so my roommate could see the west coast and the cliffs that jut out over the ocean. It was a breath taking day and I am glad that we were able to enjoy it.

Eventually my roommate headed back over to the east coast and things were starting to return to normal. I still hadn't procurred a job, but I was working on it and getting ready for school. Things were going slow and I was heading down a dark path, filled with depression.

A few weeks into the new school year I felt myself getting weaker and weaker and I realized that I was sick. I decided to head to the doctor's office where I found out that I had H1N1 virus. In other words, the swine flu. It didn't hit me very hard as far as symptoms went, but I was so exhausted that I could barely sit up in bed.

I was out of school for three weeks, unable to get out of bed and when I did I was nauseaus and exhausted. Also, during this time I was fighting a lot with myself, trying to find out who I was and where I belonged in the universe. It is still an ongoing battle with a lot of inner conflicts, but I have made some progress in it. Not much, but some.

I have since recovered from the virus, but I still felt a massive amount of depression. Bills were piling up and I still hadn't gotten a job. I had a few interviews, but nothing came from it. Either I was under qualified or over qualified and no one wanted to give me a chance. I finally decided to go to the doctor to find out what was wrong with me and what I needed to do.

Yes indeed, I have depression, I had known about it of course, I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was in high school, but this time seemed so much worse. I was having thoughts of ending my life, swallowing a massive amount of pills and slitting my wrists to end my life. I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't take the constant pain that I had felt for so long and how worthless I felt about how my life had gone wrong. I was in my mid twenties and I was living back home with my parents, without a job and with no money. Creditors calling my phone at every turn and watching my life slip away from illness. The doctor did indeed perscribe me with some medication to help, but of course with anything it has side effects. I wasn't sleeping, hardly eating and eventually became exhausted from lack of nourishment and lack of sleep. I was deprived in every way imaginable and I had the worst anxiety attack of my life.

It was after that I had to go to the doctor and get my blood tested. She had thought that I might have a condition called PCOS, or Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. In some cases it can cause one to be infirtile. I had always wanted children so I was the most concerned over this point. I had my blood drawn and I had to wait for a week and a half for the results.

In the meantime there was more to come.

Two years ago I had come to the realization that I had been raped when I was four years old. I never felt anything associated with it, but I knew about it. I told my mother who in turn told me what she knew, but at the time they couldn't prove anything. During this time I was on the phone with my roommate when the emotions came flooding back and I relived that horrible time in my life, feeling everything that I had gone through. Those of you who can relate will know the pain and suffering that one goes through, those of you who can't, consider yourselves lucky that you don't know such pain.

I will never be able to forget it now and I don't know when I can forgive. If I will ever be able to forgive. I am healing right now, from everything in my life. I thought I had a friend who would listen to me, but instead they bullied me, pressured me into seeing things their way and belittled all of my feelings and my emotions telling me that I was brought up better than they were. They have no clue how hurt and torn I was hearing all of this belittling. I kept it to myself for the most part, taking the lashings and taking the pain. Hearing everything that I had done when I was suffering myself.

After this I had to go back to the doctor, not only to find out that I did indeed have PCOS, however I don't believe I am infertile, but I am also insluin resistant. I have never been able to process insluin the right way and it was caught now. I am thankful that I do not have diabetes, however if this problem had not been caught then I could very well have it. I am now on some more medication to correct this problem that I face, along with the finals of classes as well as trying to find a job.

I do not mean to sound the martyr, but it is how I felt at the time and how I still feel now. I will never recieve acknowledgement from this person in regards to what I have been through and I am slowly learning that. It will take a long time for me to recover from this year. It has been filled with pain and sickness, depression and anger.

Yet here I am, still standing, still drawing and writing. I haven't given up on myself just yet. Although there were a few times where I severly wanted to. I still don't have a job, I still am broke and I still have creditors calling my phone asking for money that I just don't have. Things will get better, I hope, I pray for that.

For now I'm healing, it's a slow process and it is taking a long time and will take a long time. Demons from the past have come back to haunt me and confidants have turned into bullies, but I am here. I will be here, at least for now.